Childhood in Minor

I am fucked beyond believe. In need of serious help and in need of a good paying job. Not only a good paying job but a job that offers health insurance. The day that I find out that there are chances of me being bipolar, I find out that I have three weeks left under my parents insurance. If I was depressed earlier today, I am even more depressed now that I've found these news. Thanks dad for ruining my job at McDonald's and thank you mom for ruining my whole God damned life!

I don't know if I actually am better off alive or dead. This little discovery of me possibly being bipolar has me not only in a depression but wanting to cut and hurt myself in any way possible. I am already dead to be honest. I feel absolutely numb; a numbness that takes me back to the age of 17. It makes me remember a time when every little bit of me went so wrong. And again, I am going wrong and it hurts.

So how this all of this began? First of all, as you have noticed, I am suffering from insomnia. It has been like this for at least the past three months. Certainly and unmistakably, I've been having odd mood swings towards everyone for the past months too. Not only; there was a time when my buttons were not easily pushed, now people can easily make me snap at anything. I can't say any more at the moment. If I do, I'm afraid I might do something regretful. I am on the verge and once I do it, the rush will come over me and make me do it over again and again and again. To the point that the next time I see my friends, they will be the one snapping at me and a snapping contest will occur and of course, I will be the one biting heads off. I don't want this. I hate this. I hate my life. I hate the people who gave me life. I totally hate the people who gave life to the people who gave me life. My whole family can go to hell for all I care. They never cared about me and that brings another thing.

My best friend Cristina and I had a HUGE argument on Saturday (4th of July) because well, we started talking about high school and college and she started saying that maybe the reason that I am not college material is because I don't apply myself to which I got in her face, in public, at someone else's house and said something in the line of "maybe you should butt out of my life and allow me live my life however I want it." That hurt her feelings to the point that she cried. Look, I am not used to people caring about me. Once I see that people care about me, I do anything possible to push them away. Why you ask? Here is why; everytime I wanted MY PARENTS to care a bit more about me, I was ignored. What's the point of having a baby if it isn't to take care of her and love her? I never got love or caring from my parents. The one person who really cared about me was my grandfather. He was my primary provider when I was a child and I thank him for that. Unfortunately he past away almost 5 years ago and I am stuck with these two monsters.

Speaking of monsters, Greg is back in the picture. I want to tell him about the shocking discovery me and my friends made about myself. Maybe that will finally scare him away and he will be out of the picture forever. I am so sick of him. I did prayed for his sister Virginia since she just recently had her baby, one month before her due date. I truly hope both her and the baby will be alright.

Speaking of children, with this little discovery me and my friends made, I am now very afraid of having children. I don't want them to go through the same things I went through. I don't want to be a bad mother like my mom was. Why is ti that every time she asks me if she has been a bad mom I say no? I don't want to hurt her feelings so I lie. Well, the truth will be out sooner or later.

I have to go now.